April 9, 2008
You know you’re only gonna break my heart
And I’ll let you cause you’re made so smart
You know you’re only gonna be my play
And you’ll let me cause I’m made that way
Girl let’s play
You know I’m gonna make your day
And you’ll let me cause I’m made that way
I know you’re gonna start the fight
And I’ll let you cause it’s only right
Girl let’s fight
I’m your role and your enemy
And when it ends
It’s only you and me
I wouldn’t have it any other way
Any other way
We were made this way
November 30, 2007
You crept right in
The slender crack in the door
I slept under down
Head exposed and nothing more
A child can’t be woken
No one sleeps more peacefully
Sleeps more peacefully
Teddy clutched
You sat and observed
Nightstand and moonlit breeze
I exhaled slowly
Smelled sweet like tulip trees
Affection for you more than a token
I stroke you ever so gently
Ever so gently
Softest touch
You made your way onto the bed
Steps so soft without a sound
I dreamt of love and life with you
My feet never touched the ground
Feelings between us go unspoken
This thing never takes roots
Never takes roots
Grows and such
You stole my breath
I’m an infant you kitty cat
I stole your heart
Without consent, no going back
A breath can’t be broken
Truth is, death doesn’t hurt
Death doesn’t hurt
Near as much
November 28, 2007
I was born on a Wednesday in the Fall
Trying to walk, not yet able to crawl
A brisk Midwestern breath inside my lung
Blue eyes focused, on freckled cheeks they hung
A maverick called Bo with a fierce hind kick
Wide eyed at the world, it’s what makes me tick
Learning at every step, it’s what makes me stronger
One hand pushed against the end, it won’t be much longer
Mother and Father were built to sacrifice
And offer better without thinking twice
Hands used to form a roof overhead
Same ones used at night for putting to bed
November 27, 2007
street toughs with ear muffs
quick to call your bluff and get rough
if you got platinum cuffs we dont care if you’re buff
take a drag, then puff, and punch you in the gruff
steal your stuff until you’ve had enough
November 13, 2007
Because I don’t pop my collar
And I don’t have pocketfuls of daddy’s trust fund dollars
I’m from the city so when I see a girl I like to holler
You see my glasses don’t have Croakies and you won’t even bother
November 12, 2007
I wait for the sun to go down
That’s when I like to go out
To feel the chill in the air
To see what it’s all about
I slip through back alleyways
Connected by avenues
Walk closely to the wall
Out of the light, and out of view
When my heel hits the slate
It makes a clicking sound
That’s when I know I’m there
That’s when I know I’m found
November 2, 2007
I’ve known being alone
It’s not something I can’t handle
It’s just, I’m not the one
The only flame for the candle
I thought that if we split up
The hurt, it would follow me
It would let you alone
It would leave you be
It’s a tight following shadow
That’s always nipping at the heels
Makes it seem hard to escape
Just trust me on how this feels
I thought if I ran fast enough
The sting, maybe it would tire
But it just intensified
The blue flame of the fire
Babe you’re gonna find
What it is you’re looking for
You’ll be two steps closer
Taking two steps out my door
You think I’m somethin’ special
So much you had me thinkin’
But those thoughts all went away
Each time I was done drinkin’
Sometimes you must make choices
Opposite of what seems right
Answers aren’t always found
Other times they see the light
It’s not really giving up
When someone calls the game
But it’s a hard end to keep
Not having a place to put the blame
Go on, get going
Let it be, for me to deal
It’s been an up and down ride
But this time it is for real
October 22, 2007
I am the piece of lead from your #2 pencil that gets broken off in your skin.
You can see me slowly moving under your skin and through your vein… heading directly for your heart.
It’s not that I want to kill you, it’s just one of my attributes.
September 28, 2007
When I talk about your smile
I don’t mention how big or bright
Just how it warms my skin
Like the morning sunlight
When I catch your eyes
It’s not the color or wide
They take hold of me
And tell me you’re on my side
When I watch you walk
It’s not the steps or how far
They always end at me
From wherever you are
When I hear your voice
It’s not the pitch or tone
I’m no match as it enters
And soothes me down to the bone
I like the feel of you
It’s not just the things
But what they do to me
And the truth how it rings
September 24, 2007
Clinking bottles.
The clinking of bottles is all I hear, followed by the muffled sound of voices. The sound that the bottles make immediately takes me back to my childhood when my family would buy these tall and slender pop bottles in packs of six from the grocery store. The ones with the logos printed on them so thick that if you ran your finger across the front of the bottles you could actually feel the raised edge of the ink.
I would use my dirty little kid fingernails to try and scrape the big D off the Dr. Pepper. The little bubbles of fizz around the Sprite. I never gave it much of a fight.
I know it seems strange now, but back then when you were done drinking a pop you would put the empty back into the cardboard carrier and return them to the grocery store on your next visit. We were recycling before you actually had to recycle. Putting the cart before the horse. Before the horse got hoof and mouth disease and had to be turned into glue.
The earth will be one giant glue ball.
When you placed the empty back or when you were carrying the six packs, the bottles would tap each other producing a playful clinking sound. This is a very unique sound, a sound which has no sister or even cousin sound for that matter. It is unmistakable when heard.
It has always intrigued me how a sound or scent can bring a flood of memories back faster and that are more vivid than the sight of something can. Hearing and smell are always taking a back seat to sight. They are the red-headed step children of the Senses family.
I’m lying on my back.
I can feel a thin layer of moisture covering most of my body, but I feel it mostly on my eyelids. Maybe this is because the eyes are such a sensitive part of the body. Since I can feel it on my eyelids I know that my eyes are closed.
My hands are at my sides and just as I used to run my fingers across the ink of the pop bottle, I run them across the ground where I lay. The course bumps with loose grit settled in the nooks let me know I am lying on cement. That, and the fact that my tailbone, shoulder blades, and the back of my head are numb from trying their best to block out the discomfort.
Your remaining senses heighten when you take one away.
When I touch the ground with my eyes closed I can feel it much better than if they were open. The possible choices for what I am touching immediately narrows. I can feel it so well I can almost guess the color and type of cement. I say “Gray Portland” to myself in my head.
Shortly after I touch my fingertip to the cement I touch the tip of my tongue to the bottom edge of my top front teeth. The feeling is identical. Course bumps and loose grit.
Chipped teeth.
“White Portland” I joke to myself in my head, though no laughter will be following this thought.
September 10, 2007
If I could
I would give it to you
I gave it to you
This not that
It’s what I did
I would tie you up
I tied you up
Still you sat
The part was yours
You knew the ropes well
You know the ropes
Now lie flat
It’s the journey
I wanted to get there
I never got there
Where you’re at
September 6, 2007
This world’s passin’ by in a blur
Like a dirty martini mid-stir
Problems, don’t remember what they were
Self destructive plans, how to make them occur
Not in love with you, just with your allure
The sickness I have, only I have the cure
Livin’ hard and livin’ fast
Look for the button to hit delete on the past
Like a bullet train, all the speed it’s amassed
Real and fake, not a lot of contrast
In my life play I’m only one in the cast
Think I just found a way to make this buzz last
Please place your hands at ten and two
Stay safe, be a friend and true
People always look for the bend in you
A constant flux of mend and blue
I think I followed a trend, a few
Got any jokes to lend?, I’m new
August 30, 2007
Skull, skulls, skulls
I love skulls
Skull, skulls, skulls
Skulls are cool
Skull, skulls, skulls
I have one
But I wish I had two
August 21, 2007
Let us meet tonight
Ten years in the making
Last I saw your face
A relationship I was faking
Spent that night in your drive
Egg shells almost cracked
Your steps were so light
It was courage that I lacked
Our touches did brush
Never connected complete
Growing up I always knew
It was you I should meet
You offered me a stand
But I was still falling
Wanting you and your changes
Now it’s me that is stalling
I came here, came for you
That, I won’t let you know
Consciously we weren’t tending
Our feelings still they did grow
You like the oldies
Wanted to play me a song
Asked me to guess which one
I’m up for it, I’ll play along
Probably thought I wouldn’t know
About Crimson and Clover
Made my hair stand on end
Gave me goose bumps, over and over
There’s something special in the air
But something’s just not right
Drive off quick, best get away
Before you come home with me tonight
August 15, 2007
Don’t waste that talent
And what you’ve been given
With all the smokin’ and drinkin’
And the way you been livin’
That’s what you said to me
As I took a sip and a drag
Talked of self destruction
In something short of a brag
I tell you about the great ones
And all they had to go through
Whether it was fictitious or real
Adversity became their cue
Break it down and then rebuild
That’s how empires are created
My back up against a wall
A thought that makes me elated
Come on, come get it
Come for me adversity
Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’
I’m here, come get me
***
This is on the subject of wasted talent. Sometimes people are given a talent they don’t want or care about. It’s their’s so they have all the right to neglect or ignore it.
Some people say there is nothing worse than wasted talent.
I think there is nothing worse than lost childhood. A child forced to grow up too soon.
This is unfinished.
August 14, 2007
In another life.
When we are both real with each other.
Then the things.
The Wit.
The Physical.
The Passion.
The Capacity.
The Heart.
Everything lines up.
A connection is made that is the truest and most pure.
In another life.
***
Inspired by the line from Vanilla Sky where Penelope Cruz basically tells Tom Cruise that they will never be together.
She does her best to let him down easy, but you can tell by the look on her face that she might be the one hurt most by this exchange.
“In another life, when we are both cats.”
August 1, 2007
I want to
Cry till
It hurts my insides
Hurts my insides
Maybe then
I can
Get it all out of me
All out of me
As I sit
Down here
Touch bare feet to the ground
Bare feet to the ground
It’s so course
And I
Love the feel of it
The feel of it
So gritty
Solid
I feel at home here
Feel at home here
With clenched teeth
Fists made
Getting to the core of me
To the core of me
Imagining
My soul
Coming out of my chest
Out of my chest
What is left
A shell
Strong and formerly me
Formerly me
***
Written to the beat of Rusted Wheel by Silversun Pickups
I am thinking about the extreme of feelings here. Primal. Where you rarely go. The power. The rawness. Tapping it.
Reach your hand inside and snatch it. Bring it out and up in front your eyes. Open your fist slowly and study it.
The tactile, physical feel, of a feeling.
July 31, 2007
Two kids on the playground
A playground called the world
I asked you to play swings
Grabbed your hand, fingers curled
I held both chains as you sat
You looked back with a smile
To get going I pulled you close
Pushed you away, pushed you a mile
You did swing magnificently
Pushed you away and right back you came
Got you high, to such great heights
High as the sun, one and the same
You kept looking back
To see that I was still there
And you kept looking forward
You trusted me, had no care
Every few seconds
Touching your back with both hands
Warm and gentle, then releasing
Anticipating each time they land
The wind took up with your hair
That’s when you closed your eyes
Back arched, smelled the air’s scent
Imagining a Cardinal when it flies
The breeze tugged at your dress
A site I could witness for hours
I would forever be your boy
If it was within my powers
Always thought you’d come back
I never imagined you’d jump
Find myself running my finger
Across our initials in that stump
That day we played swings
Became the children we are
The fondest memory made
I hold it near, never far
July 25, 2007
I’m holding on to everyone’s secrets
Now I’ve got no room for my own
I want borrow another conscience
But I hear they’re all out on loan
I’m crying and hurting for them
To get them all the way through
Because I want see what it feels like
To be a friend that’s what I’ll do
Never knew about thoughts and moments
And how much they could weigh
Just about as much as the world
I found that out the hardest way
Let their hearts rest easy tonight
I’ll stay up in the chair and rock
Back and forth and ride it out
Cutting the keys to all the locks
At the time the sun decides to rise
And hit an angle that warms the face
Everything and everyone is settled
And all is well and in its place
***
This started with the idea of dealing with other people’s secrets. You almost begin to feel what they feel… their guilt, pain, or struggle.
Maybe you feel this way because they don’t and these feelings need to run their course on someone or maybe you do it to keep them going and just living. To get them through.
July 23, 2007
Play a chord, play a melody
Please just play something
Cause I’m here and I’m drinking
And I just wanna feel nothing
I’m not hearing words
If you are speaking
Not solving any problems
Cause now I’m not thinking
I’m not whole and I’m drifting
I’m not whole and I’m drifting
The rain starts and it slows
And the clouds they ain’t lifting
This is gonna’ be a ride
Probably rocky, surely rough
I’d think about tryin’ to fight it
But I was never all that tough
I’m an honest man
Only to myself do I tell lies
Sometimes I only look in the mirror
To see genuine in my eyes
I’m not whole and I’m drifting
I’m not whole and I’m drifting
The rain slows and it starts
And the clouds they ain’t lifting
I’m steppin’ up to measurin’ sticks
Seein’ just how I match up
Gaining qualities and discarding others
This shit’s gotta stop
Tryin’ so hard to be yourself
Sometimes you forget who you are
I just wanna be closer
But too soon I’m too far
I’m not whole and I’m drifting
I’m not whole and I’m drifting
The rain moves and it hits
And the clouds they ain’t lifting
July 5, 2007
Let’s get married
On the corner of King and Queen
You be the former and I the latter
It doesn’t matter
Let’s go dancing
On the rooftops and weathervanes
You be the sun and I the moon
It all ends soon
Let’s hold hands
On the promenade and boardwalk
You be the words and I the voice
It’s all our choice
Let’s get lost
On the streets and avenues
You be the oil and I the lamp
It’s not yet damp
June 28, 2007
I want a heart of gold
The one that Neil was searching for
See it shining with each beat
No need to polish anymore
I’m going to use this silver mind
To find myself a heart of gold
One that can make platinum tears
One that’ll let me love for years
I’ve been searching for so long
The search has almost become the find
I hope that I can give it up
When it’s delivered, sealed, and signed
I’m going to use this silver mind
To find myself a heart of gold
One that can make platinum tears
One that’ll let me love for years
I’m walking next to the edge
Of my life where darkness meets light
With a shoulder dipping into beams
And eyes that no longer need night
I’m going to use this silver mind
To find myself a heart of gold
One that can make platinum tears
One that’ll let me love for years
As I learn along the way
There is no limit on how to feel
When you give all of yourself
When illusion becomes real
I’m going to use this silver mind
To find myself a heart of gold
One that can make platinum tears
One that’ll let me love for years
An attempt to write more about life instead of girls. I imagine as I grow older this will happen naturally.
June 27, 2007
I like my girls bad, not cheap
The ones that keep me losing sleep
So show me your switchblade
And how it can cut deep
Bad girls have hardened hearts
They come from troubled starts
Let’s begin this little play
With all its complicated parts
If you’re truly a bad girl
You’ll truly fuck up my world
With your disregard for rules
You know you sold mother’s pearls
Bad girls never grow old
They never do what they’re told
I’ll tell you how you get me high
If I could be so bold
If you’re a real heart breaker
Meet me cause’ I’m your maker
If you offer up your service
I’ll be one of your takers
Bad girls never ring bells
They never become wells
Beat you at your own games
By figuring out all your tells
You make me feel bad before good
I know you’d stay if you could
It’s not what bad girls do
And it’s all understood
***
This one all started from a line a heard in the movie Cry-Baby starring Johnny Depp.
“Cry Baby likes his girls bad, not cheap.”
June 20, 2007
Viper tongue and a half-hung dress
Girl you’re such a mess
Soft touch of velvet to the skin
Before the bite and fangs dig in
Fucked up and venomized
And I won’t be denied
Which one of you caused the spin?
The state I’m presently in
Silk straps that tie in front and back
It’s not spirit that you lack
Slide back and forth in through the crowd
Some freedoms shouldn’t be allowed
Ring the bell, it’s feeding time
I’m the first to get in line
Wrap around me with slanted eyes
I saw right through your disguise
Do your worst and make it quick
Cause I’m not about to stick
Around here in the pit to play
Just save it for a different day
A little wounded but feeling good
A mixture not easily understood
Wake in the morning to the bursting sun
Another day’s already begun
June 19, 2007
Straighten up
While I bend your ear, my dear
You teach me lessons with actions
They don’t speak louder than my words
Lighten up
It hasn’t been your year, my dear
Each second is a chance to turn it around
Clocks only have so many of them to give
Back right up
Go on without fear, my dear
Your strength is a commodity
I had it on loan a time or two
Talk it up
Now you’re in the clear, my dear
The weight has been lifted
Didn’t know feathers got so heavy
June 7, 2007
Trendy Girl
I want to give you an angle
Not because of your Tiffany bangle
Love that silver and how it spangles
Your Elsa Peretti’s and how they dangle
Accessorize me
Trendy Girl
I want to show you I have the means
You’re Rock & Republic jeans
Gabbana glasses, those are fit for queens
The gold Manolo’s are oh so clean
Glitter me
Trendy Girl
I tried to give you up for lent
But couldn’t forget your Burberry scent
Your Birkin bag shows how much you spent
Hermes wallet doesn’t even have a dent
Clutch me
Trendy Girl
I want to be your next trend
Put my number in your Blackberry and press send
Got a villa in the Caicos for the weekend
Amex Black Card, credit need not extend
Purchase me
June 6, 2007
If things couldn’t get any worse from the start
You ask me for help mending your hurting heart
Ask me to ignore my own and swallow pride
I have to be selfish, can you see my side?
You’re the girl who constantly throws me
You were the one who unchose me
I don’t have the shoulder to catch your tears
Each one a memory made though our years
Lean your head down and let them fall on paper
Fold it up, tuck it away, maybe reminisce later
You’re the girl who couldn’t close me
You were the one who unchose me
Reservation for Hurt, table of one
No longer trying to reverse what has been done
No time to regret, just to press on
These days of summer will soon be gone
You’re the girl who thinks she knows me
You were the one who unchose me
I look on you with the fondest of eyes
Hope I separated myself from the other guys
In my heart surely your spot is reserved
The cards that are dealt are the ones deserved
You’re the girl whose beauty slows me
You were the one who unchose me
June 4, 2007
I’m gonna stop this dance
In the middle of downward swing
You can see I’ve broken form
And you can’t do a thing
You didn’t need the music stop
To hear the other shoe drop
I’m so tired
I’m terribly tired
I’m stopping this dance
Nothing you can do more
I’m picking up the needle
Please just leave the floor
You didn’t need the music stop
To hear the other shoe drop
I’m so tired
I’m terribly tired
This dance is stopped
We would never win awards
We were never in it for that
Not what we’re working towards
You didn’t need the music stop
To hear the other shoe drop
I’m so tired
I’m terribly tired
Resting on the wooden chair
Folding just like our little story
The chatter ends and lights go dim
Thinking I gave you the glory
You didn’t need the music stop
To hear the other shoe drop
I’m so tired
I’m terribly tired of you
May 31, 2007
From where I lay
The flames sway and dance
In the arch of your back
Forming a candelabra
Slide a finger
The way down your length
It could take me for years
Never dream of tiring
How can one boy
Be so elated
Just to be at your side
Even while you sleep quiet
Perfect sculpture
Imperfectly mine
Enough curves to lose count
One more as I start to smile
You are so still
What are you dreaming?
Of the future and me
Wonder will it make you stir
Beauty that hurts
And shakes the insides
Without even trying
Or even asking for it
I will be there
When you do awake
And ask for your embrace
To prove what I felt was real
May 30, 2007
Pin me down
Kiss me hard
Give me your look
And let down your guard
Wave at me
Shoulders back
Keep high steppin’
Walking is your knack
Say my name
Tender voice
Lips that can crush
Move without a choice
Grab my hand
Lives collide
Meet for a time
Feelings used to hide
Let me go
Carry on
Nobody knew
Inhibitions gone
I am lost
Now for good
You would find me
Surely if you could
May 29, 2007
Do you know?
The reason I’m with her
Is the reason you’re not with me
How did this come to be?
Didn’t you know?
Sometimes we don’t choose
The ones we’re falling for
Will you fall once more?
I wish you knew
When I kiss her neck
You feel a gentle breeze
Makes you weak in the knees
Don’t you know?
That I’m all broke up
You get what you ask for
And now I’m back for more
I don’t know
Where to go from here
To start or to end
Or go back to the bend
I wish I knew
How to feel satisfied
To give this heart a rest
That I’ve given you my best
May 23, 2007
Can we trade roles?
For just one night
Where you hold me
And I turn out the light
When buildings become
Too tall for a single bound
And the days events
Leave me tightly wound
Would you please hold me?
Like it was our last night
Can we trade roles?
Just this one time
You whisper in my ear
Slow my racing mind
When you look in my eyes
And all you see is hurt
All that I own
Is what your touch is worth
Will you please hold me?
Like I’m the last person on earth
Can we trade roles?
I know you’re up to it
Tell me to lay my head
Upon your lap where you sit
When I want to stay grounded
I lay flat against the floor
Look at your pretty face
And ask for nothing more
Will you please hold me?
Like the time you did before
May 21, 2007
Who let you out the firefly jar
Never thought you’d ever stray too far
But you’ve flown, flown, flown
You’re makin’ my head all fuzzy
He was never right for you was he?
Now I’m blown, blown, blown
Your boots were made for walkin’
But that mouth sure wasn’t made for talkin’
Girl get gone, gone, gone
Fell a few times down on one knee
Turns out it’ll make a man of me
Now I’m grown, grown, grown
May 16, 2007
Pretty businesswoman
On the back of your head
Is where the bun is
And right under that suit
Is where the fun is
Acquire me
Pretty businesswoman
Nylons aren’t needed
Legs are too silky
Benjamins keep walking
Already filthy
Audit me
Pretty businesswoman
Never got a ticket
Drive your Mercedes
Fancy restaurant
Don’t know what wait is
Invest me
Pretty businesswoman
Pencil behind your ear
You’re looking the part
For your own damn good
You’re deceptively smart
Merger me
May 15, 2007
I’m your little toy
Like the doll you had as a tyke
Pull my string and watch me go
I have some sayings that you like
I’m your little boy
Skinned knees, dirty hands, and big eyes
Putting all of my trust in you
You see through my little white lies
I’m a little coy
Not good at hiding where you’ve gone
They all say ignorance is bliss
I know more than I’m letting on
I’m onto your ploy
This is the place our ways will part
Can’t be the Clyde to your Bonnie
I saw the finish from the start
May 8, 2007
You talk about December
Asking if I still remember
I do
Walking through the alley way
I just want to forget that day
I do
Kissing with your perfect teeth
The ones you could have used to speak
I do
Pain does accompany yearn
I have to sit and let it burn
I do
May 7, 2007
Let’s skip the small talk
And show each other our vices
See how we compare
We already know what the price is
You had to walk over
I bet you’re friends with the rain
A sip of wine left
Said you were feeling no pain
Showed you photographs
A few of them I even took
My heart is now stolen
I’ll figure out if you are the crook
I become fond very quick
For all the right reasons of course
I’m headed down South
But I had to start in the North
Wrote me a love letter
Using some imaginary ink
The paper smells of you
Keeps me longing, makes me think
May 2, 2007
You were the one, but not the last
You were the one, but not the last
Heart weighed a ton yet beat so fast
You were the last, but not the one
You were the last, but not the one
We shared some laughs, we had some fun
I was the last, but not the one
I was the last, but not the one
There are some bullets left in your gun
I was the one, but not the last
I was the one, but not the last
If it could be, you’d change the past
April 23, 2007
This is going to be hard
Like a cobblestone road in heels
Getting sweet on a girl
Hard to remember how it feels
Throw on my trusty armor
Uphill battles are my specialty
Wit is the weapon of choice
Hoping that you’re not on to me
One foot forward, take a bow
Good things and bad, they all do pass
Head tilted with eyes closed tight
You were the one, but not the last
I put a stake in my mind
Where life will never be the same
By your name, I did forget
A gem, a doll, or simply dame
April 20, 2007
I’m living
With the idea of you
Cause it’s all that I’ve got
And I’ve had a few
Tie me up
With your gaze, beautifully
No chance for escape
Palm cradles the key
Catching lies
And throwing back their truths
Escaping from harm
Mistakes of our youth
Lives branching
And softly splintering
Continue to grow
Not losing a thing
I’m living
With the idea of you
If you call it that
Pretending you knew
April 6, 2007
Butterfly crack your glass
Glass that gets you through the day
Will you please come out?
Come out and play
I run my finger
Finger tip to the edge of your wing
I like to pretend
Pretend it don’t mean a thing
It’s hard to figure out
Figure out who caught who
I keep saying I’m the one
The one who made it true
When butterflies kiss
Kiss the cheek and then leave
They leave you no chance
No chance for reprieve
I’ll sit down
Sit down and rest my head
Realizing I’m the cocoon
The cocoon that you shed
April 2, 2007
Ok, I’ll tell you the truth
But to get it you’re gonna have to lie
That’s when you told me you loved me
And I told you that you made me cry
You like to get high
Off of watching my fall down
Take you last hit little girl
Cause the tie’s no longer bound
You didn’t do me wrong
But what you did wasn’t right
You’ll have to get used to it
This sleepin’ alone at night
I had to get heated
In order to be cold to you
Please God bring the rain
Soak me all the way through
I knew I couldn’t be your all
With nothing you believed in
Closed the door with head held high
Kept on walking with a grin
March 30, 2007
It was just a little game
To try and get into your diary
And the answer was because
When you asked “Why did you lie to me?”
Please don’t get that upset
Keep thinking that you’re too smart
Not ready for commitment anyway
Trouble finishing what you start
Can’t take you too seriously
One leg raised against the back wall
Doesn’t give you good balance
And leaves you ready for a big fall
It’s quite a transformation
Heart’s feelings into pen ink
A peacock into a raven
Tell me “What will your friends think?”
March 27, 2007
It’s your legs
Toe to thigh
That caught my eye
It’s your mouth
Dimple to lip
That makes you hip
It’s your walk
Left to right
That makes me fight
It’s your hair
Bounce to fall
You’re such a doll
I want it all
March 23, 2007
I’m on your side
I’m on your side
And along for the ride
But you change like the tide
Girl, get true
Girl, get true
And I’ll lay down with you
I’ll make you love me too
Let’s walk the yard
Let’s walk the yard
Sun hits your face so hard
Pray I let down my guard
You hold a note
You hold a note
In it feelings you wrote
No sounds come from your throat
March 22, 2007
You kiss with a bite
You kiss with a bite
And I’m going to bite you back
I’m going to bite you back
You try to steal the night
You try to steal the night
And I’m going to turn on the light
I’m going to turn on the light
You like to let me go
You like to let me go
And I keep on coming back
I keep on coming back
You like to pick a fight
You like to pick a fight
And I didn’t bring my gloves tonight
I didn’t bring my gloves tonight
February 23, 2007
You better be so careful girl
As to not cross my path again
I might just have to make you mine
Don’t know the where, just know the when
When can we meet again?
Will we ever meet again?
I wish we would
Remember when you told me
That on Elm Street only oak trees grew?
That on Lakeview there is a pond
And that at night you get frightened too
When can I stay the night with you?
Will I ever stay the night with you?
I wish I could
It was never planned
But on my calendar I placed a mark
The second time that we met
A needle in the haystack found in the dark
Where can you find me after dark?
Will you come find me after dark?
I wish you could
Tonight I’ll flatter myself
By thinking of you, thinking of me
Thinking if you cared half as much
You’d be the one to set me free
When will you come set me free?
Will you come and set me free?
I wish you would
February 16, 2007
Go on and tell me
Tell me something about you
Something I don’t know
Makes you feel vulnerable too
It’s just one night
One night to dance around love
A time for us to shine
With the stars shooting above
When something is lost
Is lost before it’s been found
The wound is closed
But the heart you know still pounds
Give me a glance
A glance with feelings wrapped up
Our eyes did meet
But they never did match up
February 15, 2007
Girl you’re fully loaded
And you’re pointed at me
Pull the trigger, swear I won’t mind
If your face is the last thing I see
I bet you didn’t know
That your cuteness could kill
That your marks are for beauty
And I’m sweet on you still
Girl you’re half loaded
Cause I took half of your shots
Can’t say you didn’t warn me
I wouldn’t tell you to stop
I bet you can’t tell
That I’m not in love with you
That I’ll always be there
And you’re only one of a few
Girl now you’re all empty
And you’re out looking for more
I know I’ve lost our little game
Don’t need to look at the score
I bet you won’t say
That it’s your fire I lit
That I’m the one in the photo
And that in your pocket it sits
February 9, 2007
Previously…
Introduction
Chapter 1 — Bill the Bus Driver
***
Ginny was a 17 year old senior at Woodbridge high located in Boston Township, Ohio. Early on Ginny realized she was only good at two things in life, giving blowjobs and pumping gas, so I guess you could say she was good with hoses.
At first site you wouldn’t say that Ginny was a beautiful girl, but her looks quickly grew on you. Sort of like how a mutt dog grows on you. Eventually you forget that pure-breads even exist. Most beautiful girls don’t even have this kind of power over men. Ginny didn’t have any striking features, but she was round where it counts.
She had dirty-blonde hair the fell just past her shoulders and she liked to wear it in pigtails. Her finger nails were painted the color of the bubble gum she would smack constantly while pumping gas. You could always tell when she was bored because she would pull her gum out and stretch it around her right index finger. If you happened to witness this while pulling up to the Full Service pump, it was surely worth a tip by itself.
Ginny lived with her father, a tow truck driver, in a double-wide that sat at the very end of a trailer park. His name was Travis and he was better at beating girls than loving them. Since her mother left years ago that meant Ginny would generally take a beating for two.
Travis didn’t beat all the girlfriends he brought to the trailer. See: Prostitutes. At least that’s not what the walls said when they thumped loudly next to Ginny’s head at night. Travis’ idea of privacy was turning the volume on the TV in the living room all the way up.
In a fucked up way Ginny thought to herself, she wished her dad would touch her like he touched his “girlfriends”, just so she could feel something from her father. Even if it wasn’t close to anything that resembled love.
The only piece of advice Travis ever gave her was “Practice makes perfect, or at least pertty damn close”. If you are wondering, that isn’t a typo, he pronounced it “pertty”. Armed with this nugget of advice Ginny practiced pumping gas at the Petrol Palace after school and practiced her other skill under the bleachers with the boys in her grade.
Woodbridge high was a small school and at first Ginny worried about how her reputation would be affected if a rumor fire started. One boy played with matches and only ended up burning himself.
A school girl with a reputation for being loose can eventually outgrow it, maybe even prosper from it, but a guy with a reputation for having a small dick might as well transfer schools, maybe even move down state.
There I go again, pissing in your pocket and calling it rain. Ginny did have one feature that was particularly striking, her lips. They were flush without wearing lipstick, the color of a pinched cheek. Her lips were like the hood ornament on her sexy, classic car body, and the first time Bert stopped into the station he wanted a ride.
February 6, 2007
To read how this story came about, looky here.
Bert was a middle-aged man who worked as a Greyhound bus driver. Bert was a fitting name in the same way Russ might be a fitting name for an auto mechanic. It almost seems mandatory that if you work in professions such as these that your name has to be one syllable. It has to do with the size of the little name patch that gets sewn directly above your heart on the blue or gray uniform.
Bert was below the average height for his age and had a soft looking body that wasn’t helped out by his slumping demeanor. If you have ever seen a scarecrow that’s been sitting in a neighbor’s front yard for a week after Halloween, then you know what I’m talking about.
Growing up Bert was extremely unmotivated, so it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone if he died having only worked as a bus driver for his entire life. I like to call these people lifers. See: Diner Waitress.
He didn’t very much enjoy the company of others, so he didn’t mind taking the longest routes to the worst of places. Most often these routes involved nighttime travel and he loved it because most of the passengers would sleep and that meant he didn’t have to talk to them.
Bert would sip coffee from the screw-on cup of his thermos and listen to oldies on the radio all through the night. The route was flat and long and you could see for miles to the left and right. It made him sympathize for those, who early on, thought the world was flat.
There was the occasional incident where a baby would wake up in the middle of the night with a gassy stomach and throw a crying fit. It was then that Bert would imagine he had the Phoenix to Salt Lake City route that stopped off at the Grand Canyon. He would wonder what if the highway had continued on and stopped at the edge of that big fucking gorge. He would press the triangular shaped steel petal down as far as it could go and race to the end of the world.
He believed that if he closed his eyes right before he dropped off the edge it would be like flying. Free as a Bald Eagle in a hunting area. See: Bliss. A gentle departure followed by the abrupt arrival of compressed metal, broken glass, and finally scorching flames to melt it all into a heap of char.
That’s right about the time he would look back at the mother of the baby in the rounded-square mirror above his head and give her a smile and the Greyhound Courtesy Training approved, “It’s Ok” nod.
Did I say that Bert was extremely unmotivated? I guess I wasn’t entirely honest with you. There was one thing that motivated Bert, and her name was Ginny.
Next…
963 Miles / Chapter 2 / Ginny the Gas Station Attendant
February 2, 2007
Previously I had written about a guy who died but couldn’t come to grips with it and was still trying to communicate with his lover.
This time I wanted to turn things around and have the guy trying to talk to his girl who died.
I’m not obsessed with death, I just think it’s interesting to think about feelings or situations you’re unfamiliar with. It’s a good way to push the envelope and test your limits. Without doing this it’s a lot harder to define new limits.
***
I like to visit you
In the cold and in the rain
Cause’ when the sun shines down
All it does is dull the pain
I let the drops build up
And run down my uncut hair
When it finally reaches the ends
Feels like your fingers are there
I pound on this granite
Till my hand turns black and blue
I hit it so hard with hope
The vibrations make it down to you
On those windy days
When it cuts through the trees
I can’t help but feel
You’re gently whispering to me
If the time had come
That I was the first to leave
I would wish for you another love
After you’ve had your time to grieve
That’s not it girl
You don’t only get one chance
You could go on knowing
Our hearts will forever dance
So that’s just what I’ll do
For perfection in life we shouldn’t strive
Instead choosing the opposite is
A better way to keep our love alive
January 22, 2007
I want to go
Where soul attaches to the bone
The stop of a rolling stone
That’s when you know you’ve made it home
I want to see
Through the mind with a simple eye
No longer with a fear to fly
That’s when you know you’ve really grown
I want to breathe
The wind that travels throughout me
Life’s lessons no longer cost a fee
That’s when you’ve reached that great plateau
I want to live
In a marriage of awareness and bliss
Nothing is the only thing to miss
That’s when you know you can let go
January 9, 2007
Damn, in an instant
All the others are just girls
With bubblegum brains
And heads that twirl
What I like about you is
You’re so well put together
This crush is a storm
I’m trying hard to weather
Your hands traced my spine
While lips grazed my ear
That really was something else
Felt like I’ve known you for years
Held you in my arms
Where I wish you’d stayed
We’ll hold each other’s hearts
As we begin to pull away
Your face now disappearing
From my mental motif
And it’s an unequal mix
Of sadness and relief
January 8, 2007
I’m a liar, a cheat, and a thief
But at least that’s all
Walking in the shoes of a saint
Couldn’t even break my fall
You’re my only judge
Deciding how much time I’ll serve
Some day I’ll get the verdict
When I finally work up the nerve
Our lives run like rivers
That empty into different seas
I push harder against the curves
Trying to bring you into me
It will have to be enough
To watch you from afar
And knowing you’re alright
Will be my guiding star
January 5, 2007
I was of the belief
This was our last night
Can’t rewrite the ending
Try as I might
Put out the candles
And crawl into bed
So many questions
Circling overhead
It’s going to sting
Half believing it’s not
Coin operated love
But I can’t find the slot
I want it so bad
Way beyond being coy
A gift catalog
For an excited boy
Your scent on my shirt
In my head is your smile
It’s almost bearable
When you call forever awhile
I’m still intoxicated
By instant memories
Easy hearts collided
By putting minds at ease
These chance meetings
At inconvenient times
I’m now being punished
For my previous crimes
When I find the one
She will have you in her
Finally able to focus
You helped remove the blur
December 13, 2006
Hey babe, I’m talking to you
You used to be kind enough to listen
If you could stop speaking over me
You’ll see it’s me that you’re missin’
My stare no longer works
Your look, it just goes right through
It’s like I don’t even exist
When I stand in front of you
Who’s that guy you’re with?
You let him puts his hands on you
And it causes me great pain
To see that it’s not just us two
Why do I only feel warm
When you are kneeling over me
I wish you would see me more often
Not quite begging, but this is a plea
If you have to carry on
With me not in your life
You should remember one thing
I would have made you my wife
December 11, 2006
I swear I got spots burned in the back of my head
From staring at your polka dot dress
Shook my foundation to watch you walk
Never seen a more beautiful sway, I must confess
We walked downtown, a sort of prideful march
Me because you locked your arm in mine
And you because you’re confidence’s child
Can’t believe I made it to the front of your line
I bought you a Coke from the soda jerk
And you made sure to grab one straw only
I sat at the counter watching you sip
Hoping those lips were feeling lonely
Add a ponytail to black Mary Jane shoes
And what you get is my slow demise
I’m gonna make a run at you girl
Truth is, sometimes I’m not that wise
It’s unfair that you have the whit to match
A pinup girl from the magazines
Wishing I could be the newsstand
Display for the world on which you lean
Your parents will say it won’t work
That we’re from opposite sides of the track
And when you gently crush me
I’ll curse it all and want you back
December 6, 2006
Thought I was walking down that old dirt road forever
With the holes in my shoes letting the sun hit my toes
Eyes line up my foot as I kick the rocks along the way
Letting the blues slip away, because if you don’t it just grows
You stopped your daddy’s pickup truck and I looked up
All I could see was the white outlined Chevrolet
Picked me up not knowing I was down on my luck
Asked me to go down to the tracks and spend the day
We sat on that grassy hill and watched the trains
Rollin’ in and out and bridged over the river wide
Thinking it can’t be the only way out of this town
Just meeting, you had rules but didn’t make me abide
Dreamt away the afternoon with your head on my chest
Proving things can change, that it’s all in my head
The last whistle signaling the entrance of nightfall
It didn’t wake you so I kissed your eyelid instead
Grabbing my hand you said let’s get out of here
Even if it’s just to cross that county line soon
Told you of a place just up the road with a lake
That’s big enough to hold the reflection of the moon
We watched to stars being born in the bed of that truck
And you looked up at me and told me you were mine
My heart skipped a beat even though I knew you were lying
If I could make it, I thought in the morning I would be fine
December 4, 2006
I asked you for the time, you looked at your wrist
I said come with me, you said you would be missed
Something was missing alright, it was your heart
We could try it all over, we’d never find the start
You asked me to be understanding, I stood by
You said wait for me, I said I might die
Something died alright, it was my fire
We could bring it back to life, we don’t have the desire
We asked for more, we gave less and less
We said I love you, we said it was a mess
Something was a mess alright, it was us
I could straighten up, if you could stop being unjust
Love asked for our souls, we questioned the cost
Love said loosen your grip, we said it might get lost
Something was lost alright, it was the meaning
Ways parted, on unanswered questions we remain leaning
November 28, 2006
It’s been six full days down here at the mill
Seems there’s eight days to a week in this minin’ town
Overall pockets filled with pebbles from the stockyard
Just to prove something else is weighing me down
I work these hands till they crack like scorched earth
Cause I know I gotta buy feed and new shoes for the girls
A Sunday dress for the missus and put away the rest
Trying to purchase it to give, gonna give em the world
The saw rings with irony each time a board is cut
To be used by others so that their home can be made
While mine begins to splinter apart at the seams
Life and death are balanced on this double-edged blade
Never givin’ up on dreams of a better life
They believe in me and it’s the dressing on my heart
Makes a machine out of this man down to the core
Like my daddy learned from his, always finish what you start
November 22, 2006
She’s gonna be like fourth grade
Stare, eyes meet, then quickly look away
A crush and love letters
Skipping as adults we’ll still play
She’s gonna know me
Even though we’ve never met
Telling me what’s in my head
To love forever in debt
She’s gonna be there
Morning to night and in between
Arms cradling when I collapse
Standing tall for me to lean
She’s gonna be the end
Staggering nights and past fights
All previous unfruitful journeys
Till they put out the last light
November 20, 2006
Sweetheart, I know that you’re hurtin’
And I’m the reason for those tear streaks
I want to reintroduce you to pride
You know it’s only been a few weeks
Sometimes stars cross in overlapping skies
Which gives Love false evidence to follow
The case gets closed with no justice served
Leaving two victims left to wallow
I wish you’d go easy on me
This boy still looking for his girl
Things couldn’t have been that bad
You can still say we gave it a whirl
We all deserve butterflies and awe
At least an excited nervousness that lingers
I can see how you may have been mislead
The last time the tips touched on our fingers
You’re forever a twinkle in my winking eye
A daring glimpse of what could be
Never regretting the time well spent
Events now becoming memory
November 17, 2006
We go through life trying to burn the brightest
So that others may be guided when they haven’t the slightest
Helping others ingrained in our being
You are the brightest one
We take measures to shield our flame
Dodging oncoming wind like an artful game
Hoping that our light shines on forever
You are the shielded one
We change from dim to flicker to dazzling shine
While what’s inside remains constant and divine
Achieving a balance our undertaking
You are the changing one
We burn on till we reach wicks end
Not knowing how long, to our lives we tend
Everyday revealing our unimaginable beauty
You are the burning one
For Lauren Marie Bugaj
July 23, 1979 – November 10, 2006
Obituary & Guest Book
November 10, 2006
Oh won’t she be so lucky when she lands me
Won’t she be the luckiest when she tries to land me?
A drunken pilot with broken landing gear
Being waved in by empty hands, have no fear
Don’t you want to take me home to dad?
To show me off, I’m only half bad
I’ll wear my tie and crack a joke
And on their laughter everyone will choke
The goal is to settle down, not just settle
It’s not that easy creating gold from metal
You’ll figure it out, you’ve got that degree
Your textbook informed you that it won’t be me
The coast is clear so I’ll take off straight away
Hope you enjoyed this flight not to mention my stay
Flying solo once again, I, myself, and me
This crash leaves only one casualty
November 2, 2006
I’ll protect you
I’ll protect you by protecting you from yourself
There always has to be a strong one
That’s why I’ll protect you
I’ll protect you
From the lies and feelings you’re harboring
Shoulder the guilt for two instead of one
That’s what I’ll do
I’ll protect you
A few things in this life are still sacred
Believe that and in your promises too
That’s what you’ll do
I’ll protect you
Showing how much I care
By turning my back and walking away
That’s how it’ll stay
October 11, 2006
I did it just to feel
Because I could and it was there
I did it just to feel
Something more so I would care
Turning images into the real thing
Always knew I had the power
Wanting for some time now
To regain the past, the fleeting hour
When it came time to deliver
Didn’t hesitate in the opportunity
Head full of blur and courage
Now dancing together in unity
I did it just to feel
The numbness retreating for the night
I did it just to feel
Something was wrong, but it felt right
October 10, 2006
You could be my country girl
And I’ll be your city boy
Show me the simple life
All the ways it brought you joy
You know a freedom some never will
Carry yourself with an easy grace
Wind tugs the hair off your neck
Look to the sky, sun hitting your face
Take my hand, let’s run through the field
Your daddy reaped after he sewed
What we have won’t last the winter
It can’t thrive, pretending we don’t know
Give me that hug, kind that lasts for years
Kiss your cheek and wink a teary eye
You’ll be fine, maybe I as well
Hoping to hell this isn’t our last goodbye
September 12, 2006
Barely touched you with what I have
So profound the effect of your being
On what I do and the decisions I make
The guide rule half made of your teaching
I’m reminded to keep on going
I have no choice, have no attachment
Check the box, the letter arrived
Sweet smelling perfume on the parchment
A few things were sealed with a kiss
One to keep going, and one to let go
The tightness of the air passing between our lips
Once, twice, three times no more
Is it enough to remember?
The imprint that your lips left
And the clasp my hands formed around your hips
Our eyes did meet and then we slept
The strongest you could ever be
Told me to shove off, watched for my safety
A knack for bringing out the maternal
Knew that I could be that man, fatefully
September 7, 2006
I’m trying to see you
Behind the glasses though I can’t
The third member of this party
Our meeting was one of chance
To shy to look you in the eye
Straps on your shoulders became the focus
A mix of tan, freckle, and skin
Kept my attention, gave me a little trust
A sucker for hair that cradles the chin
Smiles wide and bright as lights
Don’t matter what words come out of your mouth
You’ve already reached the height
Didn’t do much, did enough
I’ve placed you where you’ll stay
The figurative shoebox
Where sleeping dogs tend to play
So when an attempt is made to sleep
I start to rustle and turn
A move is made to take you out
Because the denial turns to yearn
August 9, 2006
You hear the knocking but won’t let me in
The perfect stranger with blue eyes and a grin
Understandable because I’ll just leave you behind
A pile of memories that only clutter your mind
Someday you’ll wish you’d taken that chance
Opened the door, said hello to romance
So smart, being the one that’s cautious
The one person to blame, the reason love lost us
As if I needed more evidence
Nice guys never finish, never second guess
One more clue is uncovered
Good girls aren’t good, not like a mother
So I’ll pick up what I brought
Knowing it’s not an adventure you sought
The line of approachers getting thin
Just a perfect stranger, with blues eyes and a grin
July 23, 2006
Too much was said
To go back now
Not enough was said
To carry on anyhow
So we’ll let it rest once again
Like we did long ago
Two courageous passers by
With a secret that even they don’t know
There was something for each to learn
So study up
Take notes for when the real thing comes
When it first hit I was such a young one
Stars have been the tie
Between so many of my pairings
A whisper to the ear
Touch a lip to the earring
I’m gonna stop this train
At a stop that’s not on the map
Because it’s unnecessary torture
To this heart that so many have lapped
It’s a marathon
And sometimes I forget that
With the racers changing numbers
The faces remaining old hat
Some may say that it’s predestined
And follow the lines that have already been drawn
I now hear the beat of my own drum
That I believed would never come
I wouldn’t trade these misses for anything
Because they made me half a man
There were a few hits
Which leave me believing I can
It’s still too much so I’ll stay away
I can keep the meter running for awhile
There are strangers out there
Who might want to go the mile
July 12, 2006
All my ghosts have come back to haunt
I charmed them back into their skin
We drank and smoked and told each other jokes
And nothing I said came from within
Or did it, you’ll never know
Or you’ll know and I won’t admit
It doesn’t matter anyway, as my job here is done
And you couldn’t give a shit
These last days my heart swelled and shrank
All the while still beating
I always make it back home
And offer you another greeting
The next day is made for reflection
I put a crack in that mirror to stop the madness
Is what I see, what you see?
A promised end to all the sadness